Fire and Ice: Blanca Cobb’s Guide to Arguing Less and Loving More

This week, Blanca Cobb, an internationally recognized body language expert and psychologist, and I discussed the role of communication and body language in relationships. Blanca explained why people often struggle to express their emotions and how misinterpreting body language can lead to conflicts. The key points were emotional safety and open dialogue.

We also discussed the differences in communication styles in multicultural relationships. Blanca introduced the "Oreo cookie approach" for difficult conversations, which involves starting and ending with positives and addressing the issue in the middle. We touched on the challenges of virtual communication and emphasized the importance of face-to-face interactions for serious discussions.

Blanca shared details about her upcoming projects, including an online course to improve communication skills and prevent arguments and a concierge coaching service for on-demand relationship advice. She highlighted the importance of observing a partner's baseline behavior and asking non-threatening questions to understand their emotions. This episode offers practical tips and strategies for improving communication and building stronger relationships.

About Blanca:

Blanca Cobb is an internationally recognized body language expert who gives life advice for everything from family, relationships, and work. Think of a modern-day Dear Abby with a twist of Dr. Phil. Blanca has had 2000+ TV appearances such as the Steve Harvey Show, TODAY Show, Megyn Kelly TODAY, Dr. Oz, Dr. Drew, CNN, Face The Truth, and The Doctors to a name a few as well as been quoted in 100+ worldwide publications such as Cosmopolitan, Us Weekly, Elite Daily, Business Insider, Elle, Daily Mail. Blanca shares her expertise weekly on a CBS affiliate, WFMY News 2, in North Carolina. Additionally, Global Gurus has ranked Blanca in the Top 30 body language experts in the world. She is a graduate of UNC-Chapel Hill with B.A. in Psychology and a M.S. in Psychology from NC State University. 

Fun fact about Blanca: She created a national holiday, “National Body Language Day,” which is celebrated on the first Friday of every October.

Connect with Blanca:

Instagram: instagram.com/blancacobb
Facebook: facebook.com/blancacobb
YouTube: blancacobb-bodylanguageexpert 

Transcript

Unknown: 0:00

Kristen

Kristen Daukas: 0:05

daukas, welcome to Conversations on the rocks, the podcast where the drink is strong and the stories are stronger. I'm your host, Kristen daukas, and this isn't your average chat fest. Here. Real people spill the tea alongside their favorite drinks, from the hilarious to the heart wrenching, each episode a wild card. You'll laugh, you may cry, but you'll definitely learn something new. So grab whatever, what's your whistle and buckle up. It's time to dive into the raw, the real and the ridiculously human. Let's get this chat party started. Hey everybody, it's Kristen daukas. You are tuning in to the conversations on the rocks Podcast, the podcast that is as random as I can be, but I'm super excited because I have a really famous person with me, and she's not just famous, but she's like a good friend of mine, and it's Miss Blanca Cobb. And without further ado, I'm gonna let her introduce herself, because she does it with such flair and finesse. Hello, my dear, Blanca.

Blanca Cobb: 1:08

Oh, hello, Kristen. It's such a pleasure to be on your podcast again. Again. That's right. So everybody who is listening, I'm Blanca Cobb, and I'm a body language expert, and have a master's degree in psychology. So if you can envision like a modern day Dear Abby with a little hint or twist of Dr Phil, that's me. I give a lot of advice on television. I work for a CBS affiliate in Greensboro, North Carolina. I've been on huge shows, like the Today Show, Dr Drew, Dr Oz, Megyn Kelly today the Steve Harvey Show, and I've been quoted in magazines around the world for my expertise. So I love to talk about relationships. I think relationships, I mean, it's it's what we need, and it's part of who we are, it's part of what we seek out, and we're always trying to figure out how to make it better. Is this the right person? How can I be happier? And that's my passion. And specifically,

Kristen Daukas: 2:07

we're going to talk about relationships and body language. And you know how that can incorporate to it, because you're right, relationships are so important, and we're not meant to be by ourselves, right? And no the communication in a relationship is so so important that if you don't have that, and it can, it's always kind of, I don't say stunned me, because I've been there before doing what I'm getting ready to say is that people are so afraid to communicate, but they're so afraid they're going to lose their relationship, and the two of them go hand in hand, like, if you don't communicate, it's kind of, you know, it's a snowball effect. Why do you think people are so afraid to communicate within their relationships, both verbally and non verbally, but we'll get to the non verbal part. But just in your experience, why are humans so afraid to talk about their emotions? Many

Unknown: 2:59

times you're afraid to talk about your emotions or tell your partner how you feel, because you don't want to be judged, you don't want to be criticized and you don't want to be in invalidated meaning. If they don't see the situation the same way as you do, then it could be like, what's your point? Why are you even talking about this? I don't see this again. It goes down to being criticized and judged and not validated, and people would rather be quiet or start a problem. They don't want a problem, and so they'll think, Do I really need to mention this? Maybe I don't. But what happens when you don't talk about it? It builds up, it festers inside of you, right? And then something small and trivial blows up like a volcano, erupts like a volcano, absolutely,

Kristen Daukas: 3:40

at some point, powder keg. Yeah, so let's talk a little bit. Let's kind of segue into some of the body language pieces of it in your in your experience and in your expertise. What are some of the common body language cues that people can often misinterpret in conflicts, and how can they avoid those misunderstandings?

Unknown: 4:03

Sometimes, when a partner looks away, someone might think you're not interested in what I have to say. You're not invested in this. You're blowing me off when it could be that looking away, turning away allows someone to think for a minute. It can allow them to get control of their emotions, particularly if they tend to be more on the sensitive side, and they could be a crier, it's a way, if they just break contact for a second, they can recollect themselves before they turn and continue to engage. So that's one area of misinterpretation. Another one is when someone pulls back, they physically take a step back. Sometimes they're not doing it because they want to disengage from you. Sometimes, again, it's like turning their face away, breaking eye contact. They need a second. It's too much. It's too much energy. It could be negative energy that they need a minute just to, just to the. Breathe, if you will, and collect themselves. And sometimes they need that space, not because they don't want to engage with you, it's because they need a few seconds to calm down. So this physical space actually turns into psychological space as well. And then tone of voice is another big one. People will hear a certain tone of voice and they'll be like, Why are you getting snippy with me? Why are you getting mad? Why

Kristen Daukas: 5:26

are you yelling?

Unknown: 5:27

That's right. Why are you yelling? Someone can go just one octave and it's like a megaphone to them. Someone just goes one octave, and it's like someone is yelling and it really isn't. Someone can perceive it that way. And what it could be is that someone when, when you get excited, and it could be not a happy excitement in terms of arguments or disagreements, it could be an angry excited. Sometimes people don't realize how much their tone goes up, how much it changes. So sometimes, if you could just say, hey, love I don't know if you realize it, but it sounds like you're yelling right now, it's different if you talk to somebody that way, instead of pipe it down, why are you yelling at me? Like that's not going to get you anywhere? That does adding fuel to the fire.

Kristen Daukas: 6:15

I've never had that experience before in my entire life. Why are you going? I'm not yelling. If you want me to yell, I'll go, then I'll show you yelling, and then it's done. Now, everybody's on the defense, and it just ain't going anywhere. And you know, something to I think people forget that when you're so in tuned with a human being that you're in a relationship, but because you're in a relationship, because you're similar, right? We don't want to be dating ourselves. But, you know, there's similarities. There is everyone has a very unique way to way that they argue or fight, like you were talking about, like pulling back and, you know, I in my past, like I'm a processor. If it's something really serious and I don't want to talk about it, I'm not talking about it. And it's not because I don't want to talk about it. It's because I need to get my thoughts together. And I've had, you know, in my past where I have a child that is this way too, that when there's something going on, no, we're gonna talk about it. We're gonna talk about it now and then that just that's a whole other powder keg waiting to go off too, because it's like, I can't, if I can't process it, I'm not going. It's not going to be an effective conversation, regardless of what the end is. Good point. So you got to remember that everybody's a little bit different. So are there any if, let's say we're in a we're in a heated argument, right? Is there anything that you what kind of body language would you recommend that or that you have seen be effective to de escalate something,

Unknown: 7:49

you have to do an internal or external check on yourself. So internally means what's happening with your tone of voice, what's happening with your rate of breath, what's happening with your speech, in terms of your rate of speech, not only the tone, but how fast or slow that you are talking? Are you sweating? Are you shaking? What's happening to you physiologically? That's the internal check, and the external check is what's happening with my facial expressions. Are my facial muscles. Are they relaxed? Are my shoulders relaxed? Are my fingers relaxed? Am I fidgeting? Am I moving? Do I have my arms crossed? You want to make sure that your muscles are relaxed, because when you're physically relaxed, then you come across as relaxed. It isn't as threatening. It's very different, if my shoulders are down, and I'm talking to you about something heated versus if my shoulders are up, there's a big difference there. It's like, What's wrong with her? Like, why are shoulders up? You want them to relax, and sometimes you have to physically move your shoulders down. Shake your hands. Take it. Take a deep breath. You can say, hey, just give me a couple seconds. You can actually go to the kitchen, get something to drink and come back, that's okay. The point is, when you're in control of yourself, then you're going to be more in control of the conversation and the impact that you're having.

Kristen Daukas: 9:12

It's funny that people try and work out these big things in the middle of a heated thing, because no one's thinking clearly, right? And it's just like, it's my point of view, I'm right, you're wrong. And it just, it's a lot of waste, it's a lot of energy, and it's a lot of wasted energy, a lot of negative energy, and that's why, I guess, I try not to get into arguments, because it's just like, Ooh,

Unknown: 9:36

yeah, it can, it can go nowhere. What happens is, your limbic system in your brain is taking off. It's caught. You turned it on, you turn a switch on. So you're either a fight, flight or freeze. And if you're in that fight stage, if your limbic system goes to fight, then that's where people can not think, right? There's no rationality, because emotions are taking. Over. It's about fighting. It's about winning, absolutely survival. Arguing. It's

Kristen Daukas: 10:05

survival. Yeah, it is.

Unknown: 10:07

It is about survival. So not only do you take this physical check on yourself, but something you can do with your partner is, as long as it's a soft touch. I mean, you can touch their arm, you can touch their hand, you can say, Hey, I know this is a let me lift my hand up, I know, or my arm up. I know this is a difficult conversation, but I want you to know we're in this together. So as you're saying something positive, and you reach out and touch your partner, but you want to touch for like, 1015, seconds you want. And the reason is, is because you want the the bonding hormone oxytocin to be released so quick. Touch as effective. No hitting, right? That's absolutely no,

Kristen Daukas: 10:50

I mean, like swatting, not hitting, definitely no heading, but no swatting either.

Unknown: 10:55

Yeah, no. It needs to be a gentle, loving touch or keep your hands to yourself, period, right? You know, period. I mean, there's no excuse for No, absolutely

Kristen Daukas: 11:02

not. And I wasn't making light of that, so don't come at me. Not you dumb. It's a totally different world now, and has been definitely for the past six years, as far as our communication devices. And a lot of times, you know, people are doing a lot of their communication on their phones, right through texting, through messaging, etc, which That in itself, and I know it's not body language, but that in of itself, can create some kind of interest, because you lose a lot a lot of context in your content when you're you know. So do you have any advice, as far as you know, couples or, you know, in to me, it's relationships in general. You know, whether you're whether it's a romantic relationship or whether it's a familial relationship. You know, what's your advice for folks that do a lot of communicating and maybe just something happens in a text? And you know, obviously, for you don't want to have big conversations over text. But do you have any advice? Because it is such a you know, it's a considerable amount of our communication is that way?

Unknown: 12:10

Yes, when it's something serious, super important, don't text it. Don't email it. Have a conversation. Look, think about your intimate time generally aren't held by text or email. So why would you have such an important conversation over email or text? You need to have it face to face. Because not only are you actually listening right, but you're hearing their their breath, you're in their energy. You're looking into their eyes. You can reach out and you can touch your partner. They can touch you. You can caress each other on the cheek. I mean, that means so much more, and a lot of times through touch or having someone physically present can help de escalate issues. Why? Because nothing is left to interpretation. They're in the real and now in the moment, and that makes the world of difference.

Kristen Daukas: 13:08

So if someone finds a topic that is they're afraid to have in person, and by afraid i Let me see. Let me just say it the way it's in my head, is it better to at least have a conversation through electronic means, then not have it at all, because what if somebody is really just like, I mean, some people are very anxious and they don't they know they need to have this conversation, but for some reason, they just are so afraid to do it in person. Does that make sense? Was virtual?

Unknown: 13:40

Would does make sense, but with virtual like how you and I are doing it right now, to me, that would be the next best thing. So fire on the Zoom. Fire up a zoom, fire up a FaceTime. And if that doesn't work, then put it in text. But here's the there's a problem with text messages versus talking. A lot of times in text, you make assumptions that the person understands what you're talking about, what you mean. A lot of people don't even use punctuation anymore, and there are a lot of examples out there on the internet, when people don't use punctuation, it changes what you're trying to say.

Kristen Daukas: 14:14

It does. And I need to understand why Gen Z is so down on punctuation. Yeah, I know.

Unknown: 14:20

And it changes. So there can be a lot more confusion, which means a lot more headache and suffering for what if you have the conversation, and it's easier to relax somebody when you're face to face, also, because you can touch, you can't say, oh, I'm getting, you know, I'm hearing, I'm hearing that you're getting a little angry right now, I want you to know X, Y or Z, That's not my intent. What can I do to make this better? It's so much easier to get control of the conversation in a positive way when you're face to face and when you're talking about something that's super serious. I think it's better. Now, some listener out there might go, Wait a second, I'm in California, and there. In New York. Okay, I got it, then I gotcha. Okay, you can't be face to face, but you do have virtual you do have a virtual connection. And

Kristen Daukas: 15:08

if it's important, schedule the time. Absolutely schedule the time. So let's talk a little bit about we live in a melting pot country. What about couples that are relationships that are multicultural, because it's very well known that way. We say certain things in America may not be the same. Have the same land, the same way and with someone in another country. So has that ever been Are there differences there that we should be aware of?

Unknown: 15:38

There are, there are differences, particularly when it comes to affection. Some cultures are more touchy feely. They're going to hug more, they're going to touch more, they're going to kiss on the cheeks more. And that tends to be like Spanish speaking countries and Italy. Then you have some other countries where it's not as accepted. I'm not saying people don't do that behind closed doors. I'm just saying it's just it's shown differently or not as frequently. So if you have someone who comes from a culture where hugging and kissing and touching on the arm or the cheek or the crest on the shoulder or the back is super common, but their partner isn't like that. The partner who comes or has that the warm, touchy feely culture, then they can perceive that as, gosh, maybe I'm not as loved as I thought. Maybe this isn't as strong as a relationship as I had hoped, where the other partner might see the partner who wants all the touching and hugging and feeling like so demanding, needy, just so so needy, clingy, exactly, so needy and clingy and oh my gosh, I thought I was dating an adult, not a kid. That's where the differences come. Can come in. But look, there's a solution to every problem. The way I see this, there's more than one solution to a given situation, and this is where you talk and say, Hey, love one thing that I love about our relationship. I love when we're affectionate. I love when you reach out and you and I can kiss you or hug you or hold your hand. I get the impression, I get the sense that maybe that doesn't work for you. So much, am I right? And they can say yes or no and that starts a conversation. Notice. There's no accusation, there's no judgment, it was safe, no criticism, there's no finger pointing. It is completely emotionally safe, and that's the one thing that I have found in my work people want so much is to feel emotionally safe, where they can talk and not be judged or not be criticized or not be put down, but accepted for their feelings. The

Kristen Daukas: 17:45

whole safe thing is you're right, and what you just said, what you were talking about, about creating that safe zone, I have heard, and I would like, if you don't mind, explaining this, I've always referred to it as the Oreo cookie approach when you have a difficult conversation, or there's something about your partner or someone that you're dealing with that you would like to, you know, talk about, I've always heard it called Oreo cookie. Yeah,

Unknown: 18:11

so this is what it is. It's when you start off with something positive. I love how you and I talk every day. I love that at the end of the day, you know, we take a walk, or we go work out together. Okay, that's the positive. Then the the white part of the cookie. You use that analogy. This is where you talk about something that you wish was different, not a criticism, not a blame, but a wish. That you wish was different, but I wish on the weekends. Or I'm noticing on the weekends, we don't spend as much time together as we do during the week. And I wish that could be different, and then you end with something positive, and I want this to be different, so that way you and I can just stay connected, or continue to show each other how much we love each other. So you have the positive, then you have your wish, then you have the negative, and that really makes a difference. It does. It's very different than if I were to say, You know what? Why is it that we only spend time together during the weekdays, and we have like, an hour or two, which is great, but then during the weekend, you're like, Mia, what's going on there? Your partner's gonna be like, Whoa, what? They're gonna just back up, like, I'm not talking to you, it just comes across. And what's coming across is the frustration, but we're all responsible for how we deliver our messages. It's not invalidating how you feel, which is frustrated or angry or hurt, but jumping on your partner, so to speak, to get your point across is just not acceptable, because then their feelings get hurt and they become angry. So they could either fight back or they could close off and shut down, and then either way, it's a no win. Some podcasts sound old, weather beaten and dull. Now there's a podcast called we. Dog made with space age polymers. Wheeler's dog podcast requires no rubbing, no buffing. It is a humor podcast that restores the luster, makes the ears refreshed again. We ran the Wheelers dog podcast through 50 consecutive car washes. Despite all the scrubbing, the harsh detergents and steam, the Wheelers dog podcast retained its glow. Get the Wheelers dog podcast, wherever you get podcasts.

Kristen Daukas: 20:23

Okay, so let's talk about and yes, that very long pregnant pause. You've worked with people, you've worked with couples, you've worked with individuals for many, many years now, and I know that you're getting ready to start a new project. So let's talk a little bit about that. Okay, and when, especially specifically for couples, right? Why don't we talk a little bit about that as far as what you're creating? Because I think it's so, so important for couples. Because, again, nobody should be alone unless you're a hermit, but even then, you still gotta have some cats or dolls or something like that, but we're not, this is

Unknown: 21:02

what I always say. This is what I always say. We're not made to be by ourselves, because if we were, we'd be able to procreate by ourselves, true? And I'm not talking about technology intervention, because even with technology intervention, you still need a sperm and an egg, which comes from two separate people, right? That's a great way to not made. We're just not made to be by ourselves. And so I tend to work more with women than men. Women tend to want self help. They want they're more aggressive in a positive way of resolving relationship issues. And a lot of times women, once they learn how to do this, it's a simpler transition to their partner. And I, what I do is that there are two different ways that I really work with people right now and then, one is in the heat of the moment, like there are three different ways that people tend to get caught up in an argument. And I'm talking about an argument either before, during and after an argument. And then there's some people who just don't want to argue at all, but they know that having hard discussions can be difficult, and it's a it's a necessity at times. So then what I'll do is I'll help them strengthen their communication skills, strengthen how they're feeling, strengthen their body language where it comes across, more loving, and it actually decreases the likelihood of even having an argument. So more it's a preventative approach, and that has been really successful for a lot of people.

Kristen Daukas: 22:34

Now are you going to start working with couples in helping them understand the body language and how it can help them navigate conflicts more effectively. And by doing that, then you're gonna have a better connection, right?

Unknown: 22:48

Yes, of course. So right now, I am working on an online course that helps with the preventative approach. That's what I'm gonna tackle first, or I am tackling first, and then I'll have one like, where people get stuck in those three areas, either before, during or after an argument, to help them, like, turn conflict into closeness. So the first one I'm talking about this preventative approach is really love more, argue less. And I do have a belief, and I've seen it with other people and with myself, that when you love more, you're really like riding a cloud of hormones, of really feel good hormones. You feel more connected to your partner, you're happier. You tend to be happier and you are angry, you tend to be happier and relaxed than you are stressed. And so when there's a little bump or a little hiccup in the road, it's easier to maneuver around because you're loving more, you're leading with love. And there's this exactly you're leading with love, and it makes of the world of difference. So there are two courses there, and then I also offer concierge coaching. So think about this. Think about how many times people will, or women particularly, will call a friend. I'm like, guess what? I got to talk I got to talk to Charlie, and I got to talk to Charlie about X, Y and Z. Remember the last time I talked to Charlie and blah, blah, blah to happen? And then you it's like, your friend becomes your therapist, okay? Which sometimes they can give you the best advice, and other times they give you the worst advice. But the concierge coaching that I offer is like, I'm that friend. You call me and say, okay, Charlie's going to be home, and tonight, tonight, I'm going to talk to him. And these are my concerns. I talk you through it. What's the blueprint to have this conversation? Then when you're finished with that conversation with Charlie, guess what? Then you can talk to me again, and I can help you process it. What happened? Where to go next time, how to pick up and move on. So it's very different than therapy, where, generally speaking, you have to book an appointment several weeks or months in advance before you can get in. And by then, the situation is over. It's done. So I'm like, on demand, if you will, enough for the concierge. I was

Kristen Daukas: 24:52

gonna say, You know what you are. You're like, we should call your company. Rent a bestie.

Unknown: 24:57

Hi. I love that. Rent a bestie. That's.

Kristen Daukas: 25:00

Or is like, what was the, what was the Who Wants to Be a Millionaire is the phone a friend of BESTie? I'd like one. I think that's a great idea, though, because you're right. Because if you're talking to someone that knows you and Charlie, right, they might not be Charlie's favorite person, or they, you know, Charlie may not be their favorite person, and they always, always have your best interest at heart, right? They're not as objective. They're not going to sit there and say, okay, and, you know, for me, what I've started to do is like, what is the end what is the end result that I want? And then, you know, reverse engineer that, right? If this is what I want in the end, what do I need to do to get that? If it's like I want you to take out the trash more often, you know, kind of thing so. But I love the concierge piece of it. Now, will you, will you be working with couples, or is it largely one on one? It's largely one on one? Have you ever had, have you ever worked with couples together to get to some of this?

Unknown: 26:05

I have, but like I said earlier, women tend to seek out the help. Yeah, more frequently, absolutely. And it's easier that they'll make the time like the relationship is of utmost important, and by golly, they are going to figure out what is going on where men, and I'm not putting every single person in a specific category, I would never do that. But men, some men, tend to say, whatever, it's going to be fine. We're going to be okay. The problem with that is, and it could be true, what happens is, is that the woman feels she's being minimized, her opinion, her point of view, her concern, the importance that she's placing on their relationship, is being minimized. And that may not be his intent at all. It may not be. It's just how it lands. So I tend to do more one on one and then, but however, what I teach one on one, it makes it easier for them to use it in action when they're having conversations with their partners. And you can see changes almost immediately, because it's a different way of looking at the situation, analyzing it and then reacting and responding to it. And a lot of times with it, with a change in body language or in word choices, because body language and words go hand in hand, because we talk to people in our lives, we don't mimic and mime everything, we just don't do conversation. And

Kristen Daukas: 27:32

then you have people like us that do both at the same time. And then that's

Unknown: 27:36

right, then you have us with our hands, yeah,

Kristen Daukas: 27:41

we've gone through some similar experiences, and we've learned a lot, you know, together. And there was, I remember, one particular person out there that who you know, but made a great comment and that I thought he's like, if you're giving the job of the relationship to the man, you're giving it to the wrong person. And it is so very true, because, you know, women, by nature, were the nurturers, right? That's right. But you know, I'm divorced, you're divorced, you know. And there's so many, you know, 50% are divorced. And it's so true. And here's another reason why I think women, like women, will try and try and try and try and try, right? And men tend to take a back seat and let the woman drive it right. And then all of a sudden, she's like, I'm done. I have done everything. And then all of a sudden, then the man will pop up. You're like, whoa, wait, whoa, whoa, what happened? You know, things were great. And she's like, Dude, I for the past 18 months, I've been trying to get you to talk and do these things. And so I think what you're doing is such a valuable thing, because giving people the resources and the tips and the tools I had to learn this on my own, well, you helped too. I mean, you know, just kind of getting better at being I mean, like, nobody's a mind reader. No one is a mind reader or not. And it just Yes, these conversations can be awkward to have. Yes, they can be hard to have. Yes, you might have just like a bowling ball in your stomach, but they're so important. If the relationship is important, it's worth the time to, you know, work with someone like you to find the right words and find the right way to say it. So I am super excited that you're doing this, and I love the concierge piece of it, because, you know, the sometimes people get a little thrown off with the word coach, because they're like, All right, now I gotta sign up for a 12 month program type thing, right? But the fact that I know that I can dial a bestie, because you're right, if I have to wait for my therapist, I'm gonna forget what it was I was so upset about, because that's the other thing about these heated arguments, is they usually pop up that they're like, they're like, flash fires, you know, they pop up, that's right, you deal with it, and then it's gone. It's like, a lot of times you don't even remember it two weeks from now.

Unknown: 29:54

That is so true, if people would pay attention. To their partner as much as they pay attention to their babies. When their babies can't talk and all they do is cry to figure out what's going on. What can I do to make the baby feel better? And they do moms, moms do this, and dads do this too. Self reflection. Okay, what is it? What can I be doing better for my baby? What am I missing for my baby right now, if people adults would give that level of attention to detail, with their own partners, relationships would be completely different, completely different. But here's the key though, one could argue, okay, Blanca babies are dependent on their parents. Yep, check. Got it. But you know what, if you have a partner who loves you and you love each other, it's worth it. Oh, absolutely. It's absolutely worth it, because think about it, when you see somebody smile at you, what do you do? Your reflex is to smile back, not snarl, unless you have history with that person. That's a totally different story. I'm not talking about that, but I'm going with everyday person that you see on the street, someone smiles you smile back. It's the same thing, that niceness, that caring, that warmth. When your partner feels it, they can't help but reciprocate it. It's when you get saucy. They get saucy back then you add a little more spice. Well, guess what? They're tripling down on the spice. But just think about if it were positive. So paying attention to your partner and trying to figure out how to make it better, just like you would, the attention you give to your baby, as long as it's a healthy relationship is absolutely worth it.

Kristen Daukas: 31:22

So we've got a few more minutes, and one thing I would like for you to explain to everyone, because I You taught me, and I think it's so important, especially in any kind of relationship, talk about the baseline. Baseline

Unknown: 31:38

is huge. Baseline is how you typically are, how you typically are with other people, how you typically present yourself. For example, if you talk with a slow rate of speech, or do you talk with your hand? Do you look up when you're thinking about something? When you get excited? Do you show that excitement in your body language? Do you move? Do you shuffle? What is it that's happening? So it's really understanding how a person presents themselves in an unstressful situation, a situation no stress situation, where they're not in a position where they feel like they have to lie, but just how they are on the daily. That's so important, because you know what their baseline is, and then when you see a change in their baseline, that's your aha moment. You're like, Kristen just changed. She normally smiles, but right now she's not. She's kind of looking down, and the corner of her lips are coming down also. Then that's a time not to make an accusation. Kristen daukas getting the sense that there might be something on your mind, would I be correct? That gives you the opportunity to say, yep, you're right, or no, you're not right. And that's really important. You got to give people an out. You cannot come. You can't corner somebody that's not going to that doesn't come across like really caring. But when you ask a question and say, Hey, this is what I'm noticing, you seem a little down. Am I right? Oh my gosh, you seem really excited today. Like, what's getting you so excited? Then they feel like, one, you're paying attention to them, and they're important to you. And then two, they matter to you because you're asking non threatening questions. You're asking questions of curiosity, questions that you can understand them better.

Kristen Daukas: 33:20

And going back to what you were talking about, especially with like, you know, and we're all guilty of it, those of us that have children, right? When you're in mom mode, everything else, I mean, and that's was a very important lesson that I learned in when somebody asks me, who's getting married, what's the piece of advice that you have to somebody getting married? I'm like, the babies are going to be fine. Don't forget to date your partner, and we all in. And I think that's sometimes, what can a lot of times happen in those first marriages. And I'm not being negative. I love love I love marriage. And you know it just, you know, those are the kind of things. And if you aren't paying attention to those baselines before you know it, you know things are going to start scrolling out of control. And you know, if you're if you're aware of those, then that's as Blanca was saying. That gives you the opportunity to check in and say and and then you check in with your own gut and go, Hmm, something's not right here. Let's stop and focus. So okay, yes, I will have everything in the show notes for how people can find you. But tell me one of your favorite success stories, one of your favorite

Unknown: 34:23

success stories, one of my favorite success stories is that I was working with a woman whose partner was a little type A and would come across as not being very sensitive to her feelings when she was talking or tried to express things to him, he interpreted it as they just interpreted as wrong. So working with me, she learned that her own anxiety kind of ramped up the situation before the first word came out of her mouth, just based on what she was showing in her body language. And then being able to role play with me and getting more comfortable. All talking to her partner in a way that really helps him get his attention and helps him listen. And one was a way she was asking questions, where she thought she was actually asking a question, but it really came across as though she was making a command, because it came across came across as sharp and pointed. And then her body language was one of of angst, right? Once she learned what her body language was doing, and she could relax, and then she could ask a question, a real question, she noticed a big difference in how he would respond to her, and it made him feel like she wasn't being critical of him. And it turned out to be a really nice situation, because then it was easier for them to have difficult conversations.

Kristen Daukas: 35:42

That's amazing. I love it. Thank you, my friend. It has been an entertaining we went a full 3735 3536 minutes. But it's okay. It's good stuff. Lots and lots of good stuff. When do is the course ready yet, or is it or you're going to be launching soon. Like

Unknown: 36:04

launching, I'm hoping, I'm hoping to be launching at the end of August, but anybody who wants to learn about it now should just reach me at Blanca, at Blanca cob.com let me know that you're interested. That's fantastic. And what's really going to be fun about this launch? It's really going to it's a pilot launch, which means those who join a board now can actually help refine the course. So you really have a say. It's almost like you're going to be creating it with me. Nice. So that makes it super cool. It makes it and that's

Kristen Daukas: 36:30

good for you too, because you get the feedback, and you get to, you know, it's like testing. It's like test driving a car. You never know if you're gonna like it. And you'd like to push all the buttons and things of that nature, you know. Then you go, Oh no, I want the bigger I want the better one. So I hope you have a fantastic night. And again, thank you for joining me. I am sure everyone is going to learn lots from this. And for those of you who are out there listening, thank you so much for tuning in, and until next time, may your drinks be as strong as the coffee you drink in the morning. Peace out, everybody, as the saying goes, you don't have to go home, but you can stay here. And that's a wrap for this week's episode. A big thanks to my guests for sharing their story and to you for listening. Don't forget to share the show with your friends and spread the words and if you'd like to be a guest on the show the link is in the show notes till next time cheers you.